The Pest: Every Planet Gatorade Flavored

The Pest: Every Planet Gatorade Flavored

From September 10 to October 2, six planets were in retrograde and the effects were felt by many. While Mercury tends to get the most credit for causing chaos in the universe, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto also retrograde during the nearly month-long period of turmoil this fall.

When life seems to continually challenge my patience, I check to see if any of the planets are retrograde, usually looking at Mercury first. I also jokingly use the phrase “Mercury is in Gatorade”, for the simple reason that it’s funny and plays into the doubts of those who find astrology ridiculous.

Was at this time of the semester when our brain feels like it is actively melting. So, this edition of “The Pest” is meant to be easy on the dome. Without further ado, I give you: each of the planets as a flavor of Gatorade.


All blue flavors. Whether it’s Cool Blue, Glacier Freeze, Blue Cherry, or Icy Charge, there’s an element of chaos in the sheer number of different blue Gatorades. Mercury shares this element of chaos. In the same way I would say Blue Gatorades are foreground flavors, Mercury – especially Mercury being retrograde – always brings chaos, but it’s usually for a purpose we’re thankful for later.


Cherry of the glaciers. Venus is the planet of love and Glacier Cherry is a popular flavor. I’ve never met anyone who turned it down because it’s so universally loved. It’s a classic flavor with the twist of being white instead of fire truck red.


Fruit punch. It was a fan favorite and a sight for sore eyes when I was a kid. However, between climate change and civil unrest over social justice, Earth is in decline. It could definitely be revived, but with new flavors popping up all the time, it’s no longer at the top of its game.


Orange. It may be too easy a choice, but it’s a tried and true flavor. Seeing Mars among the stars at random times throughout the year is just as refreshing as an Orange Gatorade. No, it may not be Gatorade’s most popular choice, but it’s a dependable flavor that, if offered to you on a hot day, won’t be turned down.


Lime. The original flavor of Gatorade, the energy of this flavor being the first and Jupiter being the largest planet just works. Similar to orange, lemon-lime isn’t always the flavor people are looking for. However, just as Jupiter always catches your eye when you look at a photo of the solar system, you can always find a Lemon-Lime Gatorade at the store.


Bay. It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s a gorgeous pink color and nothing can match the elegant Saturn better. Sure, the Strawberry Kiwi and Strawberry Lemonade flavors are okay, but just like Saturn, Berry never fails.


Green apple. As much as we’d like to have butt jokes when talking about this planet, we’re not that evolved of a society, which gives Uranus a damn energy. I once had a Green Apple Gatorade and it tastes like an amped up Green Apple Jolly Rancher. This Gatorade flavor, like butt jokes, should only unironically find its way into the hands of college kids.


Lime cucumber. Say what you will, but this is one of Gatorade’s most underrated flavors. Yes, it’s a little weird, but cucumber and lime are a surprisingly relaxing combination and they’re perfect when you’re craving something light and refreshing. With Neptune’s temperature of -373 degrees, the planet and that Gatorade flavor is as cool as a cucumber.

Pluto (yes, I count)

The discontinued transparent Gatorade, Ice Punch. Not bringing back the anti-Pluto jokes of when NASA decided it wasn’t a planet anymore, but that’s just too fitting. Ice Punch has been great while it lasted, but arguably inspired the newest and most popular Propel water. Good things have come from its hiatus and good things have come from Pluto’s role of rebirth and renewal in astrology.

The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.

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